A woman was worried whether or not her dead husband made it to heaven, so she decided to try to contact his spirit by having a séance.
Sure enough, after the usual mumbo-jumbo of calling to the spirits, her husband's voice was heard answering, "Hello Margaret, this is meeee ..."
"Fred," she answered, "I just need to know if you're happy there in the afterlife. What's it like there?"
"Ooooh, it's much more beautiful here than I ever imagined," Fred answered, "The sky is bluer, the air is cleaner, and the pastures are much more lush and green than I ever expected. And the only thing we do, all day long , are eat and sleep, eat and sleep, over and over."
"Thank God, you made it to heaven," his wife cried.
"Heaven?" he answered. "What heaven? I'm a buffalo in Montana."
Showing posts with label Heaven-Hell. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Heaven-Hell. Show all posts
Joke # 81 - Heavenly Quiz
Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.
St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it."
The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate.
St. Peter turned to the garbage man, and figuring Heaven didn't *really* need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?"
Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie, "1,228" he answered.
"That's right! You may enter."
St. Peter then turned to the lawyer and said, "Name them!"
St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it."
The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate.
St. Peter turned to the garbage man, and figuring Heaven didn't *really* need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?"
Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie, "1,228" he answered.
"That's right! You may enter."
St. Peter then turned to the lawyer and said, "Name them!"
Joke # 79 - The 3 Doors
This guy dies and is sent to Hell. Satan meets him and shows him the doors to three rooms and says he must choose one of the rooms to spend eternity in.
So Satan opens the first door. In the room there are people standing in cow manure up to their necks. The guy says, "No, please show me the next room."
Satan shows him the next room and this has people with cow manure up to their noses. And so he says no again.
Finally, Satan shows him the third and final room. This time there are people in cow manure up to their knees drinking cups of tea and eating cakes.
So the guy says, "I'll choose this room."
Satan says, "Ok."
The guy is standing in there eating his cake and drinking his tea thinking, "Well, it could have been worse", when the door opens.
Satan pops his head around, and says, "Okay, tea-break is over. Back on your heads!"
So Satan opens the first door. In the room there are people standing in cow manure up to their necks. The guy says, "No, please show me the next room."
Satan shows him the next room and this has people with cow manure up to their noses. And so he says no again.
Finally, Satan shows him the third and final room. This time there are people in cow manure up to their knees drinking cups of tea and eating cakes.
So the guy says, "I'll choose this room."
Satan says, "Ok."
The guy is standing in there eating his cake and drinking his tea thinking, "Well, it could have been worse", when the door opens.
Satan pops his head around, and says, "Okay, tea-break is over. Back on your heads!"
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