One day, a mother working in her kitchen hears her son playing with his electric trains in the living room.
She hears the train stop and her son says, "All you jerks who want off, get the heck off now because this is the last stop! All you morons who are getting on, get your butts on the train now. We're leaving!"
Mom goes into the living room and tells her son, "We don't act rude in this house. Now go to your room for an hour. When you come back, you may play with your trains as long as you're more polite."
An hour later, the mother is still working in the kitchen when her son comes out of his room and resumes playing with the trains.
The train stops again and she hears, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all your belongings. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. For those just boarding, we ask that you store your hand luggage under the seat and hope you enjoy your trip. For those of you who are ticked off about the hour delay, please see the hag in the kitchen.
Showing posts with label Children. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Children. Show all posts
Joke # 174 - God's Best Friend
Mom and Dad are trying to console Susie, whose dog had recently died.
"You know, it's not your fault that the dog died. He's probably up in heaven right now, having a grand old time with God."
Susie, still crying, said, "What would God want with a dead dog?"
"You know, it's not your fault that the dog died. He's probably up in heaven right now, having a grand old time with God."
Susie, still crying, said, "What would God want with a dead dog?"
Joke # 165 - Famous Man
One day at Kindergarten a teacher said to the class of 5-year-olds. "I'll give $2 to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived."
An Irish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Patrick." The teacher said, "Sorry Sean, that's not correct."
Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Andrew." The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either."
Finally, a Jewish boy raised his hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ." The teacher said, "That's absolutely right. Marvin, come up here and I'll give you the $2."
As the teacher was giving Marvin his money, she said, "You know Marvin, since you're Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ."
Marvin replied, "Yeah. In my heart I knew it was Moses, but business is business."
An Irish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Patrick." The teacher said, "Sorry Sean, that's not correct."
Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Andrew." The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either."
Finally, a Jewish boy raised his hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ." The teacher said, "That's absolutely right. Marvin, come up here and I'll give you the $2."
As the teacher was giving Marvin his money, she said, "You know Marvin, since you're Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ."
Marvin replied, "Yeah. In my heart I knew it was Moses, but business is business."
Joke # 159 - Mother's Day
Two children ordered their mother to stay in bed on Mother's Day morning. As she lay there looking forward to breakfast in bed, the smell of bacon floated up from the kitchen. But after a good long wait she finally went downstairs to investigate. She found them both sitting at the table eating bacon and eggs.
"As a surprise for Mother's Day." one explained, "we decided to cook our own breakfast."
"As a surprise for Mother's Day." one explained, "we decided to cook our own breakfast."
Joke # 154 - Parent / Teacher Conference
Teacher: "Well, at least there's one thing I can say about your son."
Father: "What's that?"
Teacher: "With grades like these, he couldn't be cheating."
Father: "What's that?"
Teacher: "With grades like these, he couldn't be cheating."
Joke # 147 - How to Get to Heaven
I asked the children in my Sunday School class, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?"
"NO!" the children all answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day and mowed the yard and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into heaven?"
Once more they all answered, "NO!"
"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children and loved my wife, would that get me into heaven?"
Once more they all answered, "NO!"
"Well," I continued, impressed that they were a much more theologically sophisticated than I had given them credit for, "then how can I get into heaven?"
A five year old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!"
"NO!" the children all answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day and mowed the yard and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into heaven?"
Once more they all answered, "NO!"
"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children and loved my wife, would that get me into heaven?"
Once more they all answered, "NO!"
"Well," I continued, impressed that they were a much more theologically sophisticated than I had given them credit for, "then how can I get into heaven?"
A five year old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!"
Joke # 123 - Where's Jesus?
A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc.
So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven." Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."
Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!"
The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.
Little Johnny said, "Well ... every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells, 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'"
So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven." Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."
Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!"
The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.
Little Johnny said, "Well ... every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells, 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'"
Joke # 117 - Prayers
Little Johnny was softly saying his night prayers kneeling down, and his mother was beside him.
"Say your prayers louder darling, I can't hear you," said little Johnny's mother.
"But I'm not talking to you," was the instant reply.
"Say your prayers louder darling, I can't hear you," said little Johnny's mother.
"But I'm not talking to you," was the instant reply.
Joke # 110 - White Hair
One day a little girl is sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly notices that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looks at her mother and inquisitively asks, "Why are some of your hairs white, mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turn white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while, and then said, "Momma, how come *all* of grandma's hair are white?"
She looks at her mother and inquisitively asks, "Why are some of your hairs white, mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turn white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while, and then said, "Momma, how come *all* of grandma's hair are white?"
Joke # 78 - Lesson to the Teacher
Sandy began a job as an elementary school counselor and she was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other.
Sandy approached and asked if she was all right.
The girl said she was.
A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself.
Approaching again, Sandy offered, "Would you like me to by your friend?"
The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay", looking at the woman suspiciously.
Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, "Why are you standing here all alone?"
"Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the goalie!"
Sandy approached and asked if she was all right.
The girl said she was.
A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself.
Approaching again, Sandy offered, "Would you like me to by your friend?"
The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay", looking at the woman suspiciously.
Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, "Why are you standing here all alone?"
"Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the goalie!"
Joke # 55 - At the Grandparents
Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs.
"I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE ... I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO ... I PRAY FOR A NEW DVD PLAYER ..."
His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."
To which the little brother replied, "No, but Gramma is."
"I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE ... I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO ... I PRAY FOR A NEW DVD PLAYER ..."
His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."
To which the little brother replied, "No, but Gramma is."
Joke # 51 - Texas Boots
Did you hear about the Texas teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots?
He asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still did not want to go on. Finally, when the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost cried when the little boy said, "Teacher, they are on the wrong feet."
She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling those boots off that it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool together as they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet.
He then announced, "These aren't my boots." She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why did you not say so?" like she wanted to. And, once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet.
No sooner they got the boots off and he said, "They're my brother's boots. My parents made me wear 'em."
Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up the grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.
Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your mittens?"
He said, "I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots."
He asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still did not want to go on. Finally, when the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost cried when the little boy said, "Teacher, they are on the wrong feet."
She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling those boots off that it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool together as they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet.
He then announced, "These aren't my boots." She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why did you not say so?" like she wanted to. And, once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet.
No sooner they got the boots off and he said, "They're my brother's boots. My parents made me wear 'em."
Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up the grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.
Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your mittens?"
He said, "I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots."
Joke # 32 - Wild Wedding
A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd (alternating between bride's side and groom's side). While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar.
So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR - all the way down the aisle.
As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit. The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was also near tears by the time he reached the pulpit.
When asked what he was doing, he sniffed and said, "I was being the 'Ring Bear'..."
So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR - all the way down the aisle.
As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit. The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was also near tears by the time he reached the pulpit.
When asked what he was doing, he sniffed and said, "I was being the 'Ring Bear'..."
Joke # 23 - Radar, Oh Really?
A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem - a 10-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD." The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket full of change.
Joke # 21 - It's a Dog's Life
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me.
"Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked.
"It sure is," I replied.
Puzzled the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"
"Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked.
"It sure is," I replied.
Puzzled the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"
Joke # 15 - Mommy's Little Angel
An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll just run in and out, and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, "For Heaven's sake, Jimmy, come in or stay out!"
The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll just run in and out, and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, "For Heaven's sake, Jimmy, come in or stay out!"
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