Two idiots walk into a pet store. The first says, "I want four budgies."
The salesman replies, "Certainly sir, would you like two male and two female, or all male or all female?"
The idiot shouts back, "I don't care. I just want four budgies!"
The salesman, without loosing his cool, continues, "Very well sir, what color would you like them to be? We have yellow, blue, gr..."
The idiot interrupts, yelling, "I don't give a darn what color they are, just put four budgies in a box for me. Is that too hard?"
The salesman quickly grabs four birds from the budgie cages and shoves them into a pet carrier. The second idiot pulls out his wallet and pays for the birds, and then both idiots leave.
They drive out to a high cliff and the first idiot reaches in the box and pulls out two of the birds, grasps them firmly and jumps off the cliff while flapping his arms. He plummets like a rock and hits the bottom of the cliff with a loud SPAT.
The second idiot looks down at his friend's mangled remains and says, "Dang, this budgie jumping isn't all it's cracked up to be."
Showing posts with label Idiots. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Idiots. Show all posts
Joke # 171 - Bad Day at Work
A man joined a big company as a trainee. On his first day he dialed the pantry and shouted to the phone, "Get me some coffee, quick!"
The voice from the other side responded, "You fool, you've dialed the wrong extension. Do you know who you're talking to?"
"No," replied the trainee.
"It's the managing director of the company, you fool!"
The man shouted back, "And do you know who YOU are talking to, you fool?"
"No," replied the director. "Good," said the trainee as he hung up.
The voice from the other side responded, "You fool, you've dialed the wrong extension. Do you know who you're talking to?"
"No," replied the trainee.
"It's the managing director of the company, you fool!"
The man shouted back, "And do you know who YOU are talking to, you fool?"
"No," replied the director. "Good," said the trainee as he hung up.
Joke # 164 - Train Tickets
Three engineers and three architects are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three engineers each buy tickets and watch as the three architects buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?", asked one of the three engineers.
"Watch and you will see," answers one of the architects.
They all board the train. The engineers take their respective seats, but all three architects cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please". The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The engineers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.
So after the conference, the engineers decide to copy the architects on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the architects don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?", asked one perplexed engineer.
"Watch and you will see," says one of the architects.
When they board the train the three engineers cram into the restroom and the three architects cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the architects leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the engineers are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please".
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?", asked one of the three engineers.
"Watch and you will see," answers one of the architects.
They all board the train. The engineers take their respective seats, but all three architects cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please". The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The engineers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.
So after the conference, the engineers decide to copy the architects on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the architects don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?", asked one perplexed engineer.
"Watch and you will see," says one of the architects.
When they board the train the three engineers cram into the restroom and the three architects cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the architects leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the engineers are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please".
Joke # 160 - Woman of His Dreams
A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he just met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do? His mother had an idea, "Why don't you send her flowers, an on the card invite her to your apartment for a home-cooked meal?" He thought this was a great strategy, and arranged a date for a week later. His mother called the day after the big date to see how things had gone.
"The evening was a disaster," he moaned.
"Why, didn't she come over?" asked his mother.
"Oh, she came over, but she refused to cook ..."
"The evening was a disaster," he moaned.
"Why, didn't she come over?" asked his mother.
"Oh, she came over, but she refused to cook ..."
Joke # 157 - Filler Up
One day I was at the gas station pumping gas and the lady next to me was smoking a cigarette while she pumped her gas.
I told her that was dangerous and her reply was, "Don't worry I do all this time."
While putting the nozzle back, some of the gas spilled on her arm and all of the sudden her arm caught on fire. She spotted a policeman across the street and ran over there waving her arm. The police officer pulled out his gun and shot her.
When I asked the policeman why he did such a thing, he replied, "She was waving a firearm at me."
I told her that was dangerous and her reply was, "Don't worry I do all this time."
While putting the nozzle back, some of the gas spilled on her arm and all of the sudden her arm caught on fire. She spotted a policeman across the street and ran over there waving her arm. The police officer pulled out his gun and shot her.
When I asked the policeman why he did such a thing, he replied, "She was waving a firearm at me."
Joke # 148 - What a Pain!
A man frantically calls 911 and says, "help ... my wife has gone into labor and her contractions are 10 minutes apart."
"Is this her first child?" the 911 operator replies.
"Of course not, you idiot ... this is her husband."
"Is this her first child?" the 911 operator replies.
"Of course not, you idiot ... this is her husband."
Joke # 145 - Gone Fishing
Three idiots are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps one of them on the shoulder and says, "Excuse me, I'd like to see your fishing licenses."
"We don't have any," replied the first idiot.
"Well, if you're going to fish, you need fishing licenses," said the Game Warden.
"But officer," replied the second idiot, "we weren't fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river."
The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line.
"Well, I know of no law against it," said the Game Warden. "Take all the debris you want." And with that, he left.
As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three idiots started laughing hysterically, "What a dumb Fish cop," said the one to the other two, "doesn't he know there are steelhead in this river?"
"We don't have any," replied the first idiot.
"Well, if you're going to fish, you need fishing licenses," said the Game Warden.
"But officer," replied the second idiot, "we weren't fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river."
The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line.
"Well, I know of no law against it," said the Game Warden. "Take all the debris you want." And with that, he left.
As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three idiots started laughing hysterically, "What a dumb Fish cop," said the one to the other two, "doesn't he know there are steelhead in this river?"
Joke # 144 - Visiting Penguins
A man drives to a gas station and has his tank filled up. The attendant spots two penguins sitting in the back seat of the car.
He asks the driver, "What's up with the penguins in the back seat?"
The man in the car says, "I found them. I asked myself what to do with them, but I haven't had a clue."
The clerk ponders a bit then says, "You should take them to the zoo."
"Hey, that's a good idea," says the man and drives away.
The next day the man in the car is back at the same gas station. The clerk sees the penguins are still in the back seat of the car.
"Hey, I thought you were going to take them to the zoo."
"Oh, I did," says the driver, "And we had a swell time. Today I am taking them to the beach."
He asks the driver, "What's up with the penguins in the back seat?"
The man in the car says, "I found them. I asked myself what to do with them, but I haven't had a clue."
The clerk ponders a bit then says, "You should take them to the zoo."
"Hey, that's a good idea," says the man and drives away.
The next day the man in the car is back at the same gas station. The clerk sees the penguins are still in the back seat of the car.
"Hey, I thought you were going to take them to the zoo."
"Oh, I did," says the driver, "And we had a swell time. Today I am taking them to the beach."
Joke # 143 - Blacksmith's Apprentice
An old blacksmith realized he was soon going to quit working so hard. He picked a strong young man to become his apprentice. The old fellow was crabby and exacting.
"Don't ask me a lot of questions," he told the boy, "Just do whatever I tell you to do."
One day the old blacksmith took an iron out of the forge and laid it on the anvil. "Get the hammer over there," he said. "When I nod my head, hit it real good and hard."
Now the town is looking for a new blacksmith.
"Don't ask me a lot of questions," he told the boy, "Just do whatever I tell you to do."
One day the old blacksmith took an iron out of the forge and laid it on the anvil. "Get the hammer over there," he said. "When I nod my head, hit it real good and hard."
Now the town is looking for a new blacksmith.
Joke # 127 - Intelligence
Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day.
One said to the other, "Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch when our boss is standing up there in the shade of a tree?"
"I don't know," responded the other. "I will ask him."
So he climbed out of his hole and went to the boss.
The boss said, "Well, I will show you. I will put my hand on this tree and I want to hit it with your fist as hard as you can."
The ditch digger took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss's hand.
The boss removed his hand and the ditch digger hit the tree.
The boss said, "That is intelligence!"
The ditch digger went back to his hole. His friend asked, "What did he say?" He said we are down here because of intelligence.
"What is intelligence?" asked the friend.
The ditch digger put his hand on his face and said, "Take that shovel and hit my hand."
One said to the other, "Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch when our boss is standing up there in the shade of a tree?"
"I don't know," responded the other. "I will ask him."
So he climbed out of his hole and went to the boss.
The boss said, "Well, I will show you. I will put my hand on this tree and I want to hit it with your fist as hard as you can."
The ditch digger took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss's hand.
The boss removed his hand and the ditch digger hit the tree.
The boss said, "That is intelligence!"
The ditch digger went back to his hole. His friend asked, "What did he say?" He said we are down here because of intelligence.
"What is intelligence?" asked the friend.
The ditch digger put his hand on his face and said, "Take that shovel and hit my hand."
Joke # 126 - NASA Ingenuity
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 degrees Celsius.
The Russians used a pencil.
The Russians used a pencil.
Joke # 121 - Three Men
Three men were on a plane, a preacher, a hippie and the smartest man in the world. The pilot had a heart attack and died. The plane started going down. There were only two parachutes, so the smartest man in the world stated that the world needs him so he was going first, and he bailed out.
The preacher told the hippie that he had lived a long satisfying life, and told the hippie he could have the other parachute. The hippie told him that they could both have one because the smartest man in the world jumped out with his backpack.
The preacher told the hippie that he had lived a long satisfying life, and told the hippie he could have the other parachute. The hippie told him that they could both have one because the smartest man in the world jumped out with his backpack.
Joke # 116 - Father and Son Camping Trip
A little boy and his dad went camping. They climbed a hill and went through the woods to find the perfect spot in a clearing near a stream. They set about pitching the tent. Then they went fishing, caught some fish, fried them on an open fire, then being tired climbed into the tent to go to sleep.
In the middle of the night, the little boy yelled, "Dad, Dad, wake up!" When the dad finally got his eyes opened the little boy exclaimed, "Dad, look up, What do you see?"
The dad looked up and said, "Why, Son, I see millions upon millions of gleaming stars." The little boy said, "But, Dad, what do you see??!!" The dad figured he needed to be a bit more philosophical with the boy. So, he said, "Why, Son, I see that we are but a minute particle in the vast, unending universe that God has made for us to share in."
The little boy sighed deeply and said, "Oh, Dad?!!" The dad said, "Well, what do you see, Son?" The little boy said, "I see that someone has taken our tent!!!"
In the middle of the night, the little boy yelled, "Dad, Dad, wake up!" When the dad finally got his eyes opened the little boy exclaimed, "Dad, look up, What do you see?"
The dad looked up and said, "Why, Son, I see millions upon millions of gleaming stars." The little boy said, "But, Dad, what do you see??!!" The dad figured he needed to be a bit more philosophical with the boy. So, he said, "Why, Son, I see that we are but a minute particle in the vast, unending universe that God has made for us to share in."
The little boy sighed deeply and said, "Oh, Dad?!!" The dad said, "Well, what do you see, Son?" The little boy said, "I see that someone has taken our tent!!!"
Joke # 106 - Desperate Plea
The Governor made room on his busy calendar to hear the plea of one Mrs. Smith that her husband be released from the state penitentiary.
"What was he sentenced for?" asked the Governor gently.
"For stealing a loaf of bread," nervously replied the offender's wife.
"Is he a good husband?"
"No," she replied frankly, blushing a bit. "He beats me when he gets drunk, he bullies our children, he's unfaithful and really not much good at all."
"It sounds to me as though you're better off without him," said the Governor. "Why on earth do you want him out of jail?"
"Well," she explained, "we're out of bread again."
"What was he sentenced for?" asked the Governor gently.
"For stealing a loaf of bread," nervously replied the offender's wife.
"Is he a good husband?"
"No," she replied frankly, blushing a bit. "He beats me when he gets drunk, he bullies our children, he's unfaithful and really not much good at all."
"It sounds to me as though you're better off without him," said the Governor. "Why on earth do you want him out of jail?"
"Well," she explained, "we're out of bread again."
Joke # 78 - Lesson to the Teacher
Sandy began a job as an elementary school counselor and she was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other.
Sandy approached and asked if she was all right.
The girl said she was.
A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself.
Approaching again, Sandy offered, "Would you like me to by your friend?"
The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay", looking at the woman suspiciously.
Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, "Why are you standing here all alone?"
"Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the goalie!"
Sandy approached and asked if she was all right.
The girl said she was.
A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself.
Approaching again, Sandy offered, "Would you like me to by your friend?"
The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay", looking at the woman suspiciously.
Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, "Why are you standing here all alone?"
"Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the goalie!"
Joke # 49 - Gasmen
Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of an alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house a woman looking out her window kitchen watched as they checked her meter.
Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his young co-worker to a footrace down the alley back to the truck to prove an older guy could outrun a younger one.
As they came tearing up to the truck, they realized that the lady of that end house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped immediately and asked her what was wrong.
"When I saw two gasmen running as hard as you were," gasped the woman, "I figured I'd better run too!"
Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his young co-worker to a footrace down the alley back to the truck to prove an older guy could outrun a younger one.
As they came tearing up to the truck, they realized that the lady of that end house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped immediately and asked her what was wrong.
"When I saw two gasmen running as hard as you were," gasped the woman, "I figured I'd better run too!"
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