A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit."
"And why not, darling?"
"You know that it always gives you a headache next morning."
Showing posts with label Alcohol. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Alcohol. Show all posts
Joke # 176 - Drinking a Toast
A man and a woman were involved in a terrible car accident and both cars were totaled. They climbed from the wreckage and the woman stood in awe.
"Our cars are demolished, yet we walk unharmed. This must be a sign from God that we are to be best friends for the rest of our lives," she spoke wisely.
"I agree completely, ma'am," the man replied.
The woman stepped closer to examine the damage and noticed something shiny within her car. Reaching in, she pulled out an unbroken bottle.
"This bottle of wine wasn't even cracked. I think this is another sign that we are to drink a toast to our new friendship."
"That's a great idea, miss," the man answered taking the bottle from her. He popped the cork and drank his share. "I'm sorry. How rude of me. Would you like some?"
"No, thanks," came her reply, "I'll just wait on the cops to get here."
"Our cars are demolished, yet we walk unharmed. This must be a sign from God that we are to be best friends for the rest of our lives," she spoke wisely.
"I agree completely, ma'am," the man replied.
The woman stepped closer to examine the damage and noticed something shiny within her car. Reaching in, she pulled out an unbroken bottle.
"This bottle of wine wasn't even cracked. I think this is another sign that we are to drink a toast to our new friendship."
"That's a great idea, miss," the man answered taking the bottle from her. He popped the cork and drank his share. "I'm sorry. How rude of me. Would you like some?"
"No, thanks," came her reply, "I'll just wait on the cops to get here."
Joke # 162 - Texan
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of drinkin' fools. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."
The room is quiet and no one takes of the Texan's offer. One man even leaves.
Thirty minutes later, the same Irishman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder.
"Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman. The Texan says, "Yes," and he asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately, the Irishman tears into all 10 pints of beer, drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits down in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and asks, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?" The Irishman replies. "Oh ... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."
The room is quiet and no one takes of the Texan's offer. One man even leaves.
Thirty minutes later, the same Irishman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder.
"Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman. The Texan says, "Yes," and he asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately, the Irishman tears into all 10 pints of beer, drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits down in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and asks, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?" The Irishman replies. "Oh ... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."
Joke # 122 - Bar Buddies
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
"Why of course", comes the reply.
The first man asks, "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Scotland", replies the second man.
The first man responds, "You don't say, I'm from Scotland too! Let's have another round to Scotland."
"Of course," replies the second man.
Curious the first man asks, "Where in Scotland are you from?"
"Aberdeen," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it," says the first man, "I'm from Aberdeen too! Let's have another drink to Aberdeen."
"Of course," replies the second man.
Curiosity strikes again and the first man asks, "What school did you go to?"
"Saint Andrews," replies the second man, "I graduated in '62".
"This is unbelievable," the first man says, "I went to Saint Andrews and graduated in '62, too!"
About this time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's going on?" he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replies the bartender, "The MacClyde twins are drunk again."
"Why of course", comes the reply.
The first man asks, "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Scotland", replies the second man.
The first man responds, "You don't say, I'm from Scotland too! Let's have another round to Scotland."
"Of course," replies the second man.
Curious the first man asks, "Where in Scotland are you from?"
"Aberdeen," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it," says the first man, "I'm from Aberdeen too! Let's have another drink to Aberdeen."
"Of course," replies the second man.
Curiosity strikes again and the first man asks, "What school did you go to?"
"Saint Andrews," replies the second man, "I graduated in '62".
"This is unbelievable," the first man says, "I went to Saint Andrews and graduated in '62, too!"
About this time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's going on?" he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replies the bartender, "The MacClyde twins are drunk again."
Joke # 113 - Just Keep Drinking
A guy walks into a bar, sits down and says to the bartender, "Quick pour me twelve drinks." So the bartender pours him twelve shots and the guy starts shooting them really fast, one after another. The bartender says to the guy, "Boy you are drinking those drinks really fast."
The guy says, "Well, you would be drinking really fast too if you had what I've got."
The bartender says, "What've you got?"
The guys says, "75 cents."
The guy says, "Well, you would be drinking really fast too if you had what I've got."
The bartender says, "What've you got?"
The guys says, "75 cents."
Joke # 82 - Drink Up
A new study by the American Heart Association found that as little as a single glass of wine or beer per week could significantly reduce a man's risk of a stroke.
And 10 or 12 a night might keep you from caring even if you DO have a stroke.
And 10 or 12 a night might keep you from caring even if you DO have a stroke.
Joke # 76 - Prove It
Two drunken men were on the top of the Empire State Building. The first man tells the second man that if he jumps off, he will be sucked back in on the tenth floor. Not believing, the second man tells him to prove it.
The first man jumps, and sure enough, he gets sucked back in the tenth floor. After returning to the roof, he said, "Okay, now it's your turn." So, the second man jumped and fell to his death.
When the police arrived, they questioned the first man. "Now tell us what happened again, Superman?"
The first man jumps, and sure enough, he gets sucked back in the tenth floor. After returning to the roof, he said, "Okay, now it's your turn." So, the second man jumped and fell to his death.
When the police arrived, they questioned the first man. "Now tell us what happened again, Superman?"
Joke # 48 - Lesson in Alcohol
A father was trying to teach his son the evils of alcohol.
He put one worm in a glass of water and another worm in a glass of whiskey. The worm in the water lived, while the one in the whiskey curled up and died.
"All right, son," asked the father, "What does that show you?"
"Well Dad, it shows that if you drink alcohol, you won't get worms."
He put one worm in a glass of water and another worm in a glass of whiskey. The worm in the water lived, while the one in the whiskey curled up and died.
"All right, son," asked the father, "What does that show you?"
"Well Dad, it shows that if you drink alcohol, you won't get worms."
Joke # 45 - Juggle Out of a Ticket
A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by a police.
"What are these matches and lighter fluid doing in your car?" asks the cop.
"I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act."
"Oh yeah?" says the doubtful cop. "Lets see you do it." The juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully.
A couple driving by slows down to watch. "Wow," says the driver to his wife, "I'm glad I quit drinking! Look at the test they are giving now."
"What are these matches and lighter fluid doing in your car?" asks the cop.
"I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act."
"Oh yeah?" says the doubtful cop. "Lets see you do it." The juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully.
A couple driving by slows down to watch. "Wow," says the driver to his wife, "I'm glad I quit drinking! Look at the test they are giving now."
Joke # 14 - You Drunken Swine!
Joe had one too many drinks one night and staggers out of the bar toward the bus stop.
Eventually, a bus turns up and he gets on, grinning as he finally flops down into a seat next to a rather prim and proper looking old lady. The lady leans over and says, "I've got news for you, you drunken swine! You're going straight to hell."
Joe sits upright in his seat and shouts out, "Hey, I'm on the wrong bus!"
Eventually, a bus turns up and he gets on, grinning as he finally flops down into a seat next to a rather prim and proper looking old lady. The lady leans over and says, "I've got news for you, you drunken swine! You're going straight to hell."
Joe sits upright in his seat and shouts out, "Hey, I'm on the wrong bus!"
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