Joke # 165 - Famous Man

One day at Kindergarten a teacher said to the class of 5-year-olds. "I'll give $2 to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived."

An Irish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Patrick." The teacher said, "Sorry Sean, that's not correct."

Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Andrew." The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either."

Finally, a Jewish boy raised his hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ." The teacher said, "That's absolutely right. Marvin, come up here and I'll give you the $2."

As the teacher was giving Marvin his money, she said, "You know Marvin, since you're Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ."

Marvin replied, "Yeah. In my heart I knew it was Moses, but business is business."

Joke # 146 - Gift of Gab

The flower vendor was an old hand at unloading his last few bunches.

Appealing to a businessman on his way home, the vendor said, "How about a nice bunch of roses to surprise your wife?"

"Haven't got a wife," responded the businessman gruffly.

"Then how about some carnations for your girlfriend?" proposed the vendor without missing a beat.

"Haven't got a girlfriend."

"You lucky guy!" The vendor broke in a big smile.

"Buy both bunches to celebrate!"

Joke # 133 - The Story of Everybody

This is a story of four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody.

There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it. Everybody was sure Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.

Somebody got angry because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it but Nobody did realized that Everybody would do it. It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.

Joke # 102 - Bill Gates

I was in the VIP lounge last week en route to Seattle, when I noticed Bill Gates sitting on the couch enjoying a cognac. I was meeting a very important client that was also flying to Seattle with me, but she was running a bit late.

Being the fairly forward person I am, I approached Mr. Gates and introduced myself. I explained that I was conducting some very important business, and how I would really appreciate it if he could throw a quick 'Hello Chris' at me while I was with my client. He agreed.

 

Ten minutes later when I was conversing with my client, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Bill Gates. I turned around and looked up at him.

 

He said, "Hey Chris, what's happening?"

 

I replied, "Not now Gates. I'm in a meeting."

Joke # 86 - Phone Line

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He had just rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques.

He saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman quickly picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant committments.

Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"

"Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."

Joke # 77 - Big Spender

Nathan Rothschild, the nineteenth-century banker from London, was known as one of the greatest financiers of the world, but was also known for his extreme stinginess.

When he stepped out of a hansom one day, the driver said: "You know sir, your daughter gives much higher tips than you do."

Without turning around, Rothschild answered, "Well, she can afford to. She has a rich father."

Joke # 73 - Guidance

A Jewish businessman was in a great deal of trouble. His business was ailing, he had put everything he had into the business, he owed everybody. It was so bad he was even contemplating suicide. As a last resort he went to a Rabbi and poured out his story of tears and woe.

When he finished, the Rabbi said, "Here's what I want you to do: Put a beach chair and a bible in your car and drive down to the beach. Take the beach chair and the bible to the water's edge, sit down in the beach chair and put the Bible in your lap. Open the Bible; the wind will rifle the pages, but finally the open Bible will come to rest on a page. Look down the page and read the first thing you see. That will be your answer, that will tell you what to do."

A year later the businessman went back to the Rabbi and brought his wife and children with him. The man was in a new custom-tailored suit, his wife in a mink coat, the children shining. The businessman pulled an envelope stuffed with money out of his pocket, gave it to the Rabbi as a donation thanks for his advice.

The Rabbi recognized the benefactor, and was curious: "You did as I suggested?" he asked.

"Absolutely," replied the businessman.

"You went to the beach?"

"Absolutely."

"You sat in the beach chair with the Bible in your lap?"

"Absolutely."

"You let the pages rifle until they stopped?"

"Absolutely."

"And what were the first words you saw?"

"Chapter 11."

Joke # 60 - Rest in Peace

A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card. It said, "Rest in peace."

The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.

After he told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist said, "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, 'Congratulations on your new location.'"

Joke # 43 - Almost Perfect Sale

A woman walks into a butcher shop just before closing. She says, "Thank Heavens I made it in time! Have you any chicken?" The butcher opens his fridge and takes out his only chicken, and plops it onto the scale. It weighs 2 1/2 pounds.

"Ah, haven't you got anything bigger?" the woman inquires.

The butcher returns the chicken to the fridge, takes it out again, plops it onto the scale, only this time, he keeps his thumb on the chicken. The scale shows 3 1/4 pounds.

"Marvelous!" says the woman, "I'll have both of them please."