Joke # 160 - Woman of His Dreams

A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he just met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do? His mother had an idea, "Why don't you send her flowers, an on the card invite her to your apartment for a home-cooked meal?" He thought this was a great strategy, and arranged a date for a week later. His mother called the day after the big date to see how things had gone.

"The evening was a disaster," he moaned.

"Why, didn't she come over?" asked his mother.

"Oh, she came over, but she refused to cook ..."

Joke # 149 - One Foul Fowl

A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious! She stormed past the store to her work.

On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."

The lady was so ticked, she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager apologized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again.

When the lady walked past the store the following morning, the parrot called to her, "Hey lady."

She paused and said, "What?"

The bird said with a smile on her face, "You know 'what?'".

Joke # 134 - Skinny Dippers

This fellow had owned his large farm for several years. He had a large pond in his back yard, had it fixed up nice, picnic tables, horse shoe courts, basketball courts, etc.

The pond was fixed for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while and look it over.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man replied, "I didn't come down to watch you ladies swim, I only came to feed my alligators."

Joke # 114 - Female Brain Cells

Once upon a time there was a female brain cell, which by mistake happened to end up in a man's head.

She looked around nervously, but it was all empty and quiet.

"Hello?" she cried but no answer. "Is there someone there?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer.

Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled at the top of her voice, "HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE THERE?"

Then she heard a faint voice from far, far away ...

"We're down here!"

Joke # 98 - Sensory Assault

The fragrance department of a major New York City store where I shop is always pushing the latest scents. Attractive models move about the floor offering to spray customers with the newest bouquet.

One day, outside a store's restaurant, a model sprayed two women who had just finished their lunch. When one woman commented that the perfume was too strong, the model replied, "The fragrance will be softer once it dries and the alcohol wears off."

"See!" her friend chided, "I told you not to have that second drink."