A young lady came home very sad from a date. She told her mother, "Anthony proposed to me an hour ago."
"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.
"Because he also told me he's an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a Hell."
Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."
Showing posts with label Marriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Marriage. Show all posts
Joke # 155 - Secret to a Long Marriage
A couple was celebrating their golden anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town, "What a peaceful and loving couple."
A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.
"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom by pack mule. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled. My wife quietly said, "That's once."
We proceeded a little further and the mule stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, "That's twice."
We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled the third time.
My wife quietly removed the revolver from her purse and shot the mule dead.
I started an angry protest over her treatment of the mule, when she looked at me, and quietly said, "That's once."
And we lived happily ever after.
A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.
"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom by pack mule. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled. My wife quietly said, "That's once."
We proceeded a little further and the mule stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, "That's twice."
We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled the third time.
My wife quietly removed the revolver from her purse and shot the mule dead.
I started an angry protest over her treatment of the mule, when she looked at me, and quietly said, "That's once."
And we lived happily ever after.
Joke # 153 - The Mother-in-Law Tragedy
A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared-up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly.
At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by.
The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head no and mumble a reply.
Curious, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.
The farmer replied, "The woman would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was'."
The men would ask, "You wanna sell that mule?" I would shake my head and say, "Can't. It's all booked up for a year."
At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by.
The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head no and mumble a reply.
Curious, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.
The farmer replied, "The woman would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was'."
The men would ask, "You wanna sell that mule?" I would shake my head and say, "Can't. It's all booked up for a year."
Joke # 146 - Gift of Gab
The flower vendor was an old hand at unloading his last few bunches.
Appealing to a businessman on his way home, the vendor said, "How about a nice bunch of roses to surprise your wife?"
"Haven't got a wife," responded the businessman gruffly.
"Then how about some carnations for your girlfriend?" proposed the vendor without missing a beat.
"Haven't got a girlfriend."
"You lucky guy!" The vendor broke in a big smile.
"Buy both bunches to celebrate!"
Appealing to a businessman on his way home, the vendor said, "How about a nice bunch of roses to surprise your wife?"
"Haven't got a wife," responded the businessman gruffly.
"Then how about some carnations for your girlfriend?" proposed the vendor without missing a beat.
"Haven't got a girlfriend."
"You lucky guy!" The vendor broke in a big smile.
"Buy both bunches to celebrate!"
Joke # 142 - All Aboard
A man and a woman who had never met before found themselves in the same sleeping compartment of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both managed to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night, the woman leaned over and said, "I'm sorry to bother you but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."
The man, with a glint in his eye, responded, "I've got a better idea ... let's pretend we're married."
"Why not?", giggled the woman.
"Good," he said. "Get your own blanket."
In the middle of the night, the woman leaned over and said, "I'm sorry to bother you but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."
The man, with a glint in his eye, responded, "I've got a better idea ... let's pretend we're married."
"Why not?", giggled the woman.
"Good," he said. "Get your own blanket."
Joke # 139 - Married
Morty was in his usual place in the morning sitting at the coffee table, reading the paper after breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress that was about to marry a football player who's lack of IQ was common knowledge.
He turned to his wife, Esther, with a look of question on his face.
"Oye, I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives."
His wife replies, "Why, thank you dear!"
He turned to his wife, Esther, with a look of question on his face.
"Oye, I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives."
His wife replies, "Why, thank you dear!"
Joke # 125 - Silent Break-In
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
"You'll get your chance in court," said the Desk Sargent.
"No, no no!" said the man, "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"
"You'll get your chance in court," said the Desk Sargent.
"No, no no!" said the man, "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"
Joke # 95 - Absentminded
A man was on his way home with a new car which was absorbing all his attention, when it struck him that he had forgotten something. Twice he stopped, counted his parcels, searched his pockets, but finally decided he had everything with him. Yet the feeling persisted.
When he reached home his daughter ran out, stopped short, and cried, "Daddy, where's Mommy?"
When he reached home his daughter ran out, stopped short, and cried, "Daddy, where's Mommy?"
Joke # 94 - Guardian Angel
A man was walking down a street when he heard a voice from behind: "If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."
The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after a while he was going to cross the road.
Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you, and you will die." The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.
"Where are you?" the man asked, "Who are you?"
"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.
"Oh, yeah?" the man asked, "And where were you when I got married?"
The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after a while he was going to cross the road.
Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you, and you will die." The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.
"Where are you?" the man asked, "Who are you?"
"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.
"Oh, yeah?" the man asked, "And where were you when I got married?"
Joke # 80 - Hasty Officer
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
"But, officer," the man began, "I can explain."
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer, "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."
"But, officer, I just wanted to say"
"And I said to be quiet! You're going to jail!" A few hours later the officer looked at his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."
"But, officer," the man began, "I can explain."
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer, "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."
"But, officer, I just wanted to say"
"And I said to be quiet! You're going to jail!" A few hours later the officer looked at his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."
Joke # 74 - Curse
An old man goes to a wizard and asks if he can remove the curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
The man says without any hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
The man says without any hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
Joke # 66 - Newlyfed Up
Annie, the new bride, went crying to her mother.
"Momma, I can't get Neil to do anything. I want him to fix up the house, and he keeps putting it off."
"Honey," her mother explained, "after being married to your father for six years, I've found the only way to get him to do anything is to tell him he's too old."
"Momma, I can't get Neil to do anything. I want him to fix up the house, and he keeps putting it off."
"Honey," her mother explained, "after being married to your father for six years, I've found the only way to get him to do anything is to tell him he's too old."
Joke # 34 - Ending the Argument
A husband desperate to end an argument offers to buy his wife a new car. She curtly declines his offer by saying, "That's not quite what I had in mind."
Frantically, he offers her a new house. Again she rejects the offer, "That's not quite what I had in mind."
Curious, he asks, "What did you have in mind?" She retorts, "I'd like a divorce."
He answers, "I hadn't planned on spending quite that much."
Frantically, he offers her a new house. Again she rejects the offer, "That's not quite what I had in mind."
Curious, he asks, "What did you have in mind?" She retorts, "I'd like a divorce."
He answers, "I hadn't planned on spending quite that much."
Joke # 33 - Golf and Funerals
Two guys are golfing on a course that is right next to a cemetery. After they tee off, one of the golfers notices that there is funeral procession passing by. So he takes off his hat, and places it over his heart. When the funeral is over, the other golfer looks at the guy and asks, "Why did you do that?"
The man replies, "Well we were married for almost 40 years. It's the least I could do."
The man replies, "Well we were married for almost 40 years. It's the least I could do."
Joke # 4 - Welcome to the Real World
A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.
Her mother asked, "How was the honeymoon?"
"Oh, Mum," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic ..."
Suddenly she burst out crying, "But, Mum, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language ... things I'd never heard before! I mean all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come and get me and take me home ... Please Mum!"
"Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?"
"Please don't make me tell you, Mum," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarassed, they're just too awful! Come get me, please!"
"Darling, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"
Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mum, they were words like dust, wash, iron and cook."
Her mother asked, "How was the honeymoon?"
"Oh, Mum," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic ..."
Suddenly she burst out crying, "But, Mum, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language ... things I'd never heard before! I mean all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come and get me and take me home ... Please Mum!"
"Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?"
"Please don't make me tell you, Mum," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarassed, they're just too awful! Come get me, please!"
"Darling, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"
Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mum, they were words like dust, wash, iron and cook."
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