A woman goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doctor, you've got to do something about my husband - he thinks he's a refrigerator!"
"I wouldn't worry too much about it," the doctor replies. "Lots of people have harmless delusions. It will pass."
"But you don't understand," the woman insists. "He sleeps with his mouth open, and the little light keeps me awake."
Showing posts with label Elderly. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Elderly. Show all posts
Joke # 158 - Joy Ride
A police officer was waiting along the side of a highway waiting to catch speeding drivers. There weren't as many violators this day as usual. The State Police Officer sees an old car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "The driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five elderly ladies - two in the front and three in the back, wide-eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am", the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly ... Twenty two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.
The State Police Officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned, and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. "But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask ... is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks with concern.
"Oh, they'll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 215."
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five elderly ladies - two in the front and three in the back, wide-eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am", the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly ... Twenty two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.
The State Police Officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned, and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. "But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask ... is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks with concern.
"Oh, they'll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 215."
Joke # 134 - Skinny Dippers
This fellow had owned his large farm for several years. He had a large pond in his back yard, had it fixed up nice, picnic tables, horse shoe courts, basketball courts, etc.
The pond was fixed for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while and look it over.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man replied, "I didn't come down to watch you ladies swim, I only came to feed my alligators."
The pond was fixed for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while and look it over.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man replied, "I didn't come down to watch you ladies swim, I only came to feed my alligators."
Joke # 112 - The Wrong Way
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Route 280. Please be careful!"
"It's not just one car," said Herman, "It's hundreds of them!"
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Route 280. Please be careful!"
"It's not just one car," said Herman, "It's hundreds of them!"
Joke # 111 - Live to be a Hundred
A man asked his doctor if he thought he'd live to be a hundred.
The doctor asked the man, "Do you smoke or drink?"
"No," he replied, "I've never done either."
"Do you gamble, drive fast cars or fool around with women?" inquired the doctor.
"No, I've never done any of those things either."
"Well then," said the doctor, "what do you want to live to be a hundred for?"
The doctor asked the man, "Do you smoke or drink?"
"No," he replied, "I've never done either."
"Do you gamble, drive fast cars or fool around with women?" inquired the doctor.
"No, I've never done any of those things either."
"Well then," said the doctor, "what do you want to live to be a hundred for?"
Joke # 101 - Old Age
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to
the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?"
"98," she
replied. "Two years older than me."
"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.
"Hardly worth going home, isn't
it?"
Joke # 93 - Coma Revelation
The woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by her bedside every single day.
One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. And you know what?"
"What dear?" She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I think you're bad luck."
One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. And you know what?"
"What dear?" She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I think you're bad luck."
Joke # 35 - Supermarket Send off
A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the check-out line, but she got in front of him.
"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who I haven't seen in a long time."
"That's a shame," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?"
"Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Goodbye Mother!'? It would make me feel so much better.
"Sure," answered the young man. So when the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye Mother!"
As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. "How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!"
The clerk replied, "Your mother said that you would pay for her."
"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who I haven't seen in a long time."
"That's a shame," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?"
"Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Goodbye Mother!'? It would make me feel so much better.
"Sure," answered the young man. So when the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye Mother!"
As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. "How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!"
The clerk replied, "Your mother said that you would pay for her."
Joke # 25 - Let There Be Light ...
70-year-old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results.
Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with your God?"
George replied, "God and me are very close. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom (poof!) the light goes on when I pee, and then (poof!) the light goes off when I'm done."
"Wow," commented Dr. Smith, "that's incredible!"
A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife. "Thelma," he said, "George is just fine. Physically he's great, but I had to call because I am in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and (poof!) the light goes on in the bathroom, and then (poof!) the light goes off?"
Thelma exclaimed, "That old fool! He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"
Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with your God?"
George replied, "God and me are very close. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom (poof!) the light goes on when I pee, and then (poof!) the light goes off when I'm done."
"Wow," commented Dr. Smith, "that's incredible!"
A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife. "Thelma," he said, "George is just fine. Physically he's great, but I had to call because I am in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and (poof!) the light goes on in the bathroom, and then (poof!) the light goes off?"
Thelma exclaimed, "That old fool! He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"
Joke # 18 - Squirms of Endearment
A guy was invited to some old friends' home for dinner.
His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.
He was impressed since the couple had been married almost 70 years, and while the wife was off in the kitchen he said to his buddy:
"I think it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those pet names."
His buddy hung his head. "To tell you the truth," he said, "I forgot her name about ten years ago."
His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.
He was impressed since the couple had been married almost 70 years, and while the wife was off in the kitchen he said to his buddy:
"I think it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those pet names."
His buddy hung his head. "To tell you the truth," he said, "I forgot her name about ten years ago."
Joke # 2 - Adventures of the Elderly
An elderly woman remarked to a friend that getting older is an adventure, because no matter what you're doing, it always seems like it's the first time you did it.
Her friend said, "That's a great insight! I want to write that down."
The woman said, "What's that?"
Her friend said, "The fact that getting older is an adventure, because no matter what you are doing, it always seems like it's the first time you did it."
The woman said, "Oh that is a great insight! I want to write it down too."
Her friend said, "That's a great insight! I want to write that down."
The woman said, "What's that?"
Her friend said, "The fact that getting older is an adventure, because no matter what you are doing, it always seems like it's the first time you did it."
The woman said, "Oh that is a great insight! I want to write it down too."
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