A woman came up behind her husband while he was enjoying his morning coffee and slapped him on the back of the head.
"I found a piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name 'Marylou' written on it," she said, furious. "You better have an explanation."
"Calm down, honey," the man replied. "Remember last week when I was at the dog track? That was the name of the dog I bet on."
The next morning his wife snuck up on him and smacked him again.
"What was that for?" he complained.
"Your dog called last night."
Showing posts with label Husband-Wife. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Husband-Wife. Show all posts
Joke # 170 - Newly Married
The newly married husband came home from the office to find his young wife in a flood of tears.
"Darling, whatever is the matter?" he asks.
"Sweetheart," she sobs, "the most terrible thing happened! I cooked my first Beef Bourguignon for you, and I got it out of the oven to season it, and the phone rang. When I came back from answering the phone," she sobbed again, "I found the cat had eaten it!"
"Don't worry, darling." said her husband.
"Don't cry. We can always get a new cat."
"Darling, whatever is the matter?" he asks.
"Sweetheart," she sobs, "the most terrible thing happened! I cooked my first Beef Bourguignon for you, and I got it out of the oven to season it, and the phone rang. When I came back from answering the phone," she sobbed again, "I found the cat had eaten it!"
"Don't worry, darling." said her husband.
"Don't cry. We can always get a new cat."
Joke # 163 - Wish Fairy
A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been such a devoted couple she would grant each of them a very special wish.
The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband. Whoosh! Immediately she had airline / cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger ... Whoosh ... immediately he turned ninety.
The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband. Whoosh! Immediately she had airline / cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger ... Whoosh ... immediately he turned ninety.
Joke # 155 - Secret to a Long Marriage
A couple was celebrating their golden anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town, "What a peaceful and loving couple."
A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.
"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom by pack mule. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled. My wife quietly said, "That's once."
We proceeded a little further and the mule stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, "That's twice."
We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled the third time.
My wife quietly removed the revolver from her purse and shot the mule dead.
I started an angry protest over her treatment of the mule, when she looked at me, and quietly said, "That's once."
And we lived happily ever after.
A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.
"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom by pack mule. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled. My wife quietly said, "That's once."
We proceeded a little further and the mule stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, "That's twice."
We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled the third time.
My wife quietly removed the revolver from her purse and shot the mule dead.
I started an angry protest over her treatment of the mule, when she looked at me, and quietly said, "That's once."
And we lived happily ever after.
Joke # 153 - The Mother-in-Law Tragedy
A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared-up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly.
At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by.
The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head no and mumble a reply.
Curious, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.
The farmer replied, "The woman would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was'."
The men would ask, "You wanna sell that mule?" I would shake my head and say, "Can't. It's all booked up for a year."
At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by.
The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head no and mumble a reply.
Curious, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.
The farmer replied, "The woman would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was'."
The men would ask, "You wanna sell that mule?" I would shake my head and say, "Can't. It's all booked up for a year."
Joke # 125 - Silent Break-In
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
"You'll get your chance in court," said the Desk Sargent.
"No, no no!" said the man, "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"
"You'll get your chance in court," said the Desk Sargent.
"No, no no!" said the man, "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"
Joke # 120 - FBI Agent for Hire
3 men were at the FBI building for a job interview.
The first man walked into the office. The interviewing FBI agent said, "To be in the FBI, you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room. I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun." The man took the gun, hesitated and said, "Sorry, I can't do it."
The next interviewee came into the office. The agent said, "To be in the FBI, you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room. I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun." The man took the gun, walked into the room, then walked out. "Sorry," he said.
The last man came into the office. The interviewer said, "To be in the FBI, you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room. I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun." The man took the gun, and went into the room. The agent heard 6 shots, silence, then a lot of screaming.
The man came out of the room and said, "Someone loaded the gun with blanks, so I beat her to death with the curtain railing."
The first man walked into the office. The interviewing FBI agent said, "To be in the FBI, you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room. I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun." The man took the gun, hesitated and said, "Sorry, I can't do it."
The next interviewee came into the office. The agent said, "To be in the FBI, you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room. I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun." The man took the gun, walked into the room, then walked out. "Sorry," he said.
The last man came into the office. The interviewer said, "To be in the FBI, you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room. I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun." The man took the gun, and went into the room. The agent heard 6 shots, silence, then a lot of screaming.
The man came out of the room and said, "Someone loaded the gun with blanks, so I beat her to death with the curtain railing."
Joke # 106 - Desperate Plea
The Governor made room on his busy calendar to hear the plea of one Mrs. Smith that her husband be released from the state penitentiary.
"What was he sentenced for?" asked the Governor gently.
"For stealing a loaf of bread," nervously replied the offender's wife.
"Is he a good husband?"
"No," she replied frankly, blushing a bit. "He beats me when he gets drunk, he bullies our children, he's unfaithful and really not much good at all."
"It sounds to me as though you're better off without him," said the Governor. "Why on earth do you want him out of jail?"
"Well," she explained, "we're out of bread again."
"What was he sentenced for?" asked the Governor gently.
"For stealing a loaf of bread," nervously replied the offender's wife.
"Is he a good husband?"
"No," she replied frankly, blushing a bit. "He beats me when he gets drunk, he bullies our children, he's unfaithful and really not much good at all."
"It sounds to me as though you're better off without him," said the Governor. "Why on earth do you want him out of jail?"
"Well," she explained, "we're out of bread again."
Joke # 90 - The Gift
After being away on business, Tim thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.
"How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a $50.00 bottle. "That's a bit much," said Tim.
She returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00. "That's still quite a bit," Tim complained.
Growing annoyed, the clerk bought out a tiny $15.00 bottle.
"What I mean," said Tim, "is I'd like to see something really cheap."
The clerk handed him a mirror.
"How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a $50.00 bottle. "That's a bit much," said Tim.
She returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00. "That's still quite a bit," Tim complained.
Growing annoyed, the clerk bought out a tiny $15.00 bottle.
"What I mean," said Tim, "is I'd like to see something really cheap."
The clerk handed him a mirror.
Joke # 74 - Curse
An old man goes to a wizard and asks if he can remove the curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
The man says without any hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
The man says without any hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
Joke # 66 - Newlyfed Up
Annie, the new bride, went crying to her mother.
"Momma, I can't get Neil to do anything. I want him to fix up the house, and he keeps putting it off."
"Honey," her mother explained, "after being married to your father for six years, I've found the only way to get him to do anything is to tell him he's too old."
"Momma, I can't get Neil to do anything. I want him to fix up the house, and he keeps putting it off."
"Honey," her mother explained, "after being married to your father for six years, I've found the only way to get him to do anything is to tell him he's too old."
Joke # 54 - A-Pearl-Ling Behavior
After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think that means?"
"You'll know tonight," he said with a wink.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it - to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."
"You'll know tonight," he said with a wink.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it - to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."
Joke # 50 - Laundry Impaired
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Michigan." And they say blondes are dumb ...
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Michigan." And they say blondes are dumb ...
Joke # 12 - Buffett is the Way
Horace grabbed his plate and walked up to the buffett for the 4th time.
"Aren't you embarassed to go for so many helpings?" asked the wife.
"Not a bit," Horace replied, "I keep telling them it's for you."
"Aren't you embarassed to go for so many helpings?" asked the wife.
"Not a bit," Horace replied, "I keep telling them it's for you."
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