A young lady came home very sad from a date. She told her mother, "Anthony proposed to me an hour ago."
"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.
"Because he also told me he's an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a Hell."
Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."
Joke # 179 - Gravity for Dummies
Two idiots walk into a pet store. The first says, "I want four budgies."
The salesman replies, "Certainly sir, would you like two male and two female, or all male or all female?"
The idiot shouts back, "I don't care. I just want four budgies!"
The salesman, without loosing his cool, continues, "Very well sir, what color would you like them to be? We have yellow, blue, gr..."
The idiot interrupts, yelling, "I don't give a darn what color they are, just put four budgies in a box for me. Is that too hard?"
The salesman quickly grabs four birds from the budgie cages and shoves them into a pet carrier. The second idiot pulls out his wallet and pays for the birds, and then both idiots leave.
They drive out to a high cliff and the first idiot reaches in the box and pulls out two of the birds, grasps them firmly and jumps off the cliff while flapping his arms. He plummets like a rock and hits the bottom of the cliff with a loud SPAT.
The second idiot looks down at his friend's mangled remains and says, "Dang, this budgie jumping isn't all it's cracked up to be."
The salesman replies, "Certainly sir, would you like two male and two female, or all male or all female?"
The idiot shouts back, "I don't care. I just want four budgies!"
The salesman, without loosing his cool, continues, "Very well sir, what color would you like them to be? We have yellow, blue, gr..."
The idiot interrupts, yelling, "I don't give a darn what color they are, just put four budgies in a box for me. Is that too hard?"
The salesman quickly grabs four birds from the budgie cages and shoves them into a pet carrier. The second idiot pulls out his wallet and pays for the birds, and then both idiots leave.
They drive out to a high cliff and the first idiot reaches in the box and pulls out two of the birds, grasps them firmly and jumps off the cliff while flapping his arms. He plummets like a rock and hits the bottom of the cliff with a loud SPAT.
The second idiot looks down at his friend's mangled remains and says, "Dang, this budgie jumping isn't all it's cracked up to be."
Joke # 178 - Feeling Like a Million Tux
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit."
"And why not, darling?"
"You know that it always gives you a headache next morning."
"And why not, darling?"
"You know that it always gives you a headache next morning."
Joke # 177 - Mom's Train-ing Session
One day, a mother working in her kitchen hears her son playing with his electric trains in the living room.
She hears the train stop and her son says, "All you jerks who want off, get the heck off now because this is the last stop! All you morons who are getting on, get your butts on the train now. We're leaving!"
Mom goes into the living room and tells her son, "We don't act rude in this house. Now go to your room for an hour. When you come back, you may play with your trains as long as you're more polite."
An hour later, the mother is still working in the kitchen when her son comes out of his room and resumes playing with the trains.
The train stops again and she hears, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all your belongings. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. For those just boarding, we ask that you store your hand luggage under the seat and hope you enjoy your trip. For those of you who are ticked off about the hour delay, please see the hag in the kitchen.
She hears the train stop and her son says, "All you jerks who want off, get the heck off now because this is the last stop! All you morons who are getting on, get your butts on the train now. We're leaving!"
Mom goes into the living room and tells her son, "We don't act rude in this house. Now go to your room for an hour. When you come back, you may play with your trains as long as you're more polite."
An hour later, the mother is still working in the kitchen when her son comes out of his room and resumes playing with the trains.
The train stops again and she hears, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all your belongings. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. For those just boarding, we ask that you store your hand luggage under the seat and hope you enjoy your trip. For those of you who are ticked off about the hour delay, please see the hag in the kitchen.
Joke # 176 - Drinking a Toast
A man and a woman were involved in a terrible car accident and both cars were totaled. They climbed from the wreckage and the woman stood in awe.
"Our cars are demolished, yet we walk unharmed. This must be a sign from God that we are to be best friends for the rest of our lives," she spoke wisely.
"I agree completely, ma'am," the man replied.
The woman stepped closer to examine the damage and noticed something shiny within her car. Reaching in, she pulled out an unbroken bottle.
"This bottle of wine wasn't even cracked. I think this is another sign that we are to drink a toast to our new friendship."
"That's a great idea, miss," the man answered taking the bottle from her. He popped the cork and drank his share. "I'm sorry. How rude of me. Would you like some?"
"No, thanks," came her reply, "I'll just wait on the cops to get here."
"Our cars are demolished, yet we walk unharmed. This must be a sign from God that we are to be best friends for the rest of our lives," she spoke wisely.
"I agree completely, ma'am," the man replied.
The woman stepped closer to examine the damage and noticed something shiny within her car. Reaching in, she pulled out an unbroken bottle.
"This bottle of wine wasn't even cracked. I think this is another sign that we are to drink a toast to our new friendship."
"That's a great idea, miss," the man answered taking the bottle from her. He popped the cork and drank his share. "I'm sorry. How rude of me. Would you like some?"
"No, thanks," came her reply, "I'll just wait on the cops to get here."
Joke # 175 - The Ordained Loan Shark
Sitting by the window in her convent, Sister Anne opened a letter from home and found a $10 bill inside.
As she read the letter she caught sight of a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against a lamppost below.
Quickly, she wrote, "Don't despair, Sister Anne" on a piece of paper, wrapped the $10 in it and dropped it out the window.
The stranger picked it up and, with a puzzled expression and a tip of the hat, went off down the street.
The next day Sister Anne was told a man was at the door, insisting on seeing her.
She went down and found the stranger waiting. Without a word, he handed her a roll of bills.
"What's this?" she asked.
"That's the 60 bucks you have coming. Don't Despair paid five to one."
As she read the letter she caught sight of a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against a lamppost below.
Quickly, she wrote, "Don't despair, Sister Anne" on a piece of paper, wrapped the $10 in it and dropped it out the window.
The stranger picked it up and, with a puzzled expression and a tip of the hat, went off down the street.
The next day Sister Anne was told a man was at the door, insisting on seeing her.
She went down and found the stranger waiting. Without a word, he handed her a roll of bills.
"What's this?" she asked.
"That's the 60 bucks you have coming. Don't Despair paid five to one."
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